to see you again

I thought my heart was going to go crazy when I finally saw but I couldn't your not him anymore your not the person I fell in love with. Your different and I know now If you were to try to to date me again this time I would walk away but only because I am smarter now and know I want to be loved not the side chick I have been for way too long.. I know in my heart even more now how much you love our son.. Funny how you want to look like him. Hes cute your just old with nothing to you. I hate feeling like this cuz my heart says I still love him I still want him but hes never been mine hes being with different people that why he doesnt call. So enough said this is what you wanted and maybe if not and you really doubted my love you should've really tried than you would've known how much I loved you and wanted to be with you. Now I am moving on and the hard part is letting go of all the would if's and could'ves because this is what you wanted me to let go so you can have your cake and eat it to. I don't know you anymore I wish I still had the Steve I met but he was gone the day he hit me and left me to hurt. I wish I couldve seen it coming the end of us. I wish you the best no il feelings towards you or your family you and I will have to meet our maker one day and ansWer for everything we have done I hope God shows you the love I had for you and makes you feel what I felt in some way. Love always your sons mom.

I keep thinking about us so much it hurts. why couldn't you just be mine and only mine why did you have to lie to me to make me fall in love with you? I wish sometimes we could have stayed happy in love instead of turning resentful and mean to eachother. I want the bad memeories I relive to be happy not sad I want to want to be around you and not make excuses why i cant just so I dont hurt as much. I miss you and me I miss how we could be together and nothing mattered. what happened to us is your father a husband and someone elses love and no matter how much I love you I cant compete for you anymore. I will wait till god brings the man I need at the time I need him. I cant hope for you and a family when you will never make changes to be that for me. I wish things were different but there not. I love you I miss you and I wish you and yours the best. Goodbye

I miss you

Everyday I wake up I miss you I have to convince myself every morning why you haven't called is because again there is someone else. I can't take the heartache I am feeling right now I miss you alot. I miss at least talking to you not the fighting not the wishing you would call for days at a time and not seeing you for days at a time. I just miss the guy I fell in love with what happened to us. I need you to be mine not everyone elses. I have to realize you never loved me i was just convenient for you. I love you. I wish things could be different. Zaiden misses you so much your all he talks about and how daddy this daddy that.

I hope you read this

I hope you read this!! I have been in love with you for so long have let you do many unthinkable things to me and never left. I have loyalty I have lots of hope. My faith has brought me through many of our challenges and here we are today just 3 weeks after our trip and your gone again.. oh yes I feel used and more hurt now then I have been sine last year when I thought it was over for good and never thought we would start talking and making love again.. I needed you more than anything and at my worst you were never there and if you were you added to putting me down. Did you think I was going to fall for the fact your friends didn't want me around when the truth was you were with someone else. Did you think I wasn't going to wake up to your games when you never have a weekend to see me but are supposedly moving your friend for the 3 time this month!! Come on how long did you think you were going to do this to me? I just want you to realize a few things especially when we went to California you knew the whole time you were going to make it miserable and all about you not me or my boys.. It was never romantic it was never fun and I wanted it to be so much more and looking back what a waste on someone I love and didn't love me back.. I know its wake the hell up Kiley.. He doesn't want you like you want him he wants his cake and eat it to. Well my love I am letting go she can have you she deserve to be cheated on she deserves to stay with a man that has no heart for her. I just needed you to know your losing someone that loved you more than life and I forgave you and kept giving you chances when you thought I was just easy to bully around.. I hope your around when your daughters face these issues because of you they will.. I have to say goodbye and I love you!!

"EB"ing a Mommy: Heaven's little drummer boy.

PLEASE CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR COURTNEY AND HER FAMILY IN THIS PRECIOUS TIME..
"EB"ing a Mommy: Heaven's little drummer boy.: My precious angel received his wings today. I have had many nightmares about having to write this post. He was exactly 2 years and 8 month...

"EB"ing a Mommy: The strongest boy I'll ever know.

"EB"ing a Mommy: The strongest boy I'll ever know.: Things are not going well. Actually, things are getting bad pretty fast. I've known for about a month now that this time wasn't one of t...

what a day

so i am not sure what i am doing on this blog i dont keep up with it like id like to .. things havent been great as i would like them to be.. after 6 years he has finally done most of the walking away. ive tried not to hurt and let it be but in reality i miss the man i fell in love with. where did he go? why do we change? why did you become this devil of a man so mean to the touch. i never thought it would hurt this bad.. what about our sons do you care? will you miss them?